“How Do You Say Goodbye?”

I love poems. And I love reading poems and looking for poems that reflect my feelings when Prashanth left to his eternal home.  I found this poem on a random search – and it really depicts my feelings.

Those who know me very well, know that I prefer not to show pain and suffering on my face instead I always put on  a brave front and a happy face.

– Natasha

 “How Do You Say Goodbye?”

When you find a love so perfect
One that you’re sure is meant to be
One that fills all your senses
And makes you feel complete
One that brings contentment,
Peace, hope and joy, too
How do you say goodbye
To the other half of you?

When you find a love so beautiful
One that awakens all your dreams
One that brings such happiness
And makes you feel carefree
How do you find the strength
To simply let it go;
How do you say goodbye
To a part of your soul?

Always loving you Prashanth,
Natasha (Asha)

Poem – Suffering A Loss

While I was surfing the internet about after life, I came across a poem. As I read it, I initially felt that it was written for me and my husband as almost all the contents closely reflect on our own experience. Only now I realised that the feelings are generally the same of all those who have parted their loved ones immaterial who they are and where they come from. As humans we all have the same feelings.
Reading this will help anyone to understand what a griever goes through and how we could avoid saying certain things. Unfortunately I am not able to trace who wrote this poem. Please forward this poem to those whom you think would read it.  
Poem about suffering a loss
Unless you’ve lost a child…….then
Don’t ask us if we are over it yet. We’ll never be over it.
A part of us died with our child.
Don’t tell us they are in a better place.
They are not here with us, where they belong.
Don’t say at least they are not suffering.
We haven’t come to terms with why they suffered at all.
Don’t tell us at least we have other children.
Which of your children would you have sacrificed?
Don’t ask us if we feel better.
Bereavement isn’t a condition that clears up.
Don’t force your beliefs on us.
Not all of us have the same faith.
Don’t tell us at least we had our child for so many years.
What year would you choose for your child to die?
Don’t tell us God never gives us more than we can bear.
Right now we don’t feel we can handle anything else.
Don’t avoid us. We don’t have a contagious disease, just unbearable pain.
Don’t tell us you know how we feel, unless you have lost a child.
No other loss can compare to losing a child. It’s not the natural order of things.
Don’t take our anger personally.
We don’t know who we are angry at or why and lash out at those closest to us.
Don’t whisper behind us when we enter a room.
We are in pain, but not deaf.
Don’t stop calling us after the initial loss.
Our grief does not stop there and we need to know others are thinking of us.
Don’t be offended when we don’t return calls right away.
We take each moment as it comes and some are worse than others.
Don’t tell us to get on with our lives.
We each grieve differently and in our own time frame.
Grief can not be governed by any clock or calendar.
Do say you are sorry. We’re sorry, too, and you saying
that you share our sorrow is far better than saying any of those
tired cliches you don’t really mean anyway. Just say you’re sorry.
Do put your arms around us and hold us.
We need your strength to get us through each day.
Do say you remember our child, if you do.
Memories are all we have left and we cherish them.
Do let us talk about our child.
Our child lived and still lives on in our hearts, forever.
Do mention our child’s name. It will not make us sad or hurt our feelings.
Do let us cry. Crying is an important part of the grief process.
Cry with us if you want to.
Do remember us on special dates.
Our child’s birth date, death date and holidays are
a very lonely and difficult time for us without our child.
Do send us cards on those dates saying you remember our child.
We do.
Do show our family that you care.
Sometimes we forget to do that in our own pain.
Do be thankful for children.
Nothing hurts us worse than seeing other people in pain.
Source: Unknown

7th August 2012 – at Vision Home Orphanage – Ipoh

To mark the first anniversary of Prashanth’s return to his spiritual home  we gave a luncheon at Vision Home Orphanage – Ipoh, where we have been regularly visiting the past one year. My wife, my son Vinod and I attended. Since it was a Tuesday, a school day  my daughter-in-law and sister-in-law (my wife’s sister) who came over for the weekend were not able to attend.

At Vision Home, there are now 23 children. However,  not all children are orphans. About five of them, who are natives are staying at the home since their parents are not in the position to take care of them. Nevertheless, they go back  to their parents’ home, occasionally.

I have been to orphanages before but on very rare occasions. But now I feel visiting this orphanage regularly is not only a new experience in my life but I am also gaining some knowledge about life at an orphanage.  I wonder why the children have to land up here in their young age. However, at the same time I learn that there are still many people around who devote their life, caring these children. Sometimes I feel they are even much greater people than parents like us. We parents only adore our children whereas there are many disciples of Mother Teresa.

Here, I know a boy who was 3 years old when his mother left him here. It seems she was not able to take care of him as her husband has left her.  I was told that the first time when his mother left him he was crying vehemently requesting her not to leave him. According to the caretaker it was a pitiful sight when the mother left. From what I understand he was the youngest child in the orphanage at that time. The mother visits him now but on very rare occasions. When the rest of the kids went to school he was alone and bored. He is now six years old and now attending kindergarten classes.  I feel attached to him nowadays as we know him for a year now. During my last visit he sat close to me asked a few questions. This time he asked me how old I was. When I said I am 59 he did not understand as he is still learning numbers.  He is generally a polite boy. He has just started learning English.  Our communication is in our mother tongue, Tamil.  He got a great smile, his milk teeth are dropping.

There is another Chinese boy who is around sixteen. He is already working. When he talks he stammers slightly. Over the years he has picked up Tamil.  He can also talk a little English. He feels very happy whenever I talk to him and is very respectful. He goes to work at 7.30am working in a soap factory. Back for lunch at 1.30pm and goes back to work again at 3.30pm and back home at around 7.00pm. I admire the discipline and commitment he has. Although many of these children are without parents it fascinates us to see them living in peace. I was thinking, while these children without parents are living a simple life and in such a harmony, there are many parents struggling in having to discipline their children. We need not ask ourselves who has to be blamed.

After the lunch, when we were about to leave the place, the young boy Suria told me “Uncle come again”.  I was almost in tears. I then start thinking how close can I go to him. Attachments are great feelings but when we have to detach for some reasons pains creeps in.  As we left some of these children came to the gate to bid farewell.

As I was driving back with my wife and son Vinod I was just thinking how wonderful it would have been if Prashanth had been around and  that together we visit these orphanages. The opportunity of us  as parents serving with him, at an orphanage, will remain as a dream for the rest of our life. Once again my eyes turned misty.

We managed this first anniversary by launching the website and visiting the orphanage. Later around 5.30pm my younger son Vinod gave us his routine hug to return to my brother in law’s residence at Kajang, Kuala Lumpur as he has to work the next day. My wife and I stood at the balcony and waved him once again as he passed our apartment and this has been always our routine, when our two sons or any others leave after visiting us.   But now we don’t see Prashanth’s car anymore. As Vinod’s car was out of sight, my wife and I  started to feel the loneliness again, with both hiding our tears. I was wondering why the wonderful great days we had have faded permanently.  We now have to substitute to our good routine days with others, and for the moment with the only main choice of going through grief.

In the later part of the evening I then did some reading and attended to the website while my wife tried to focus in some school work. At 1.00am  after talking to my son Prashanth, looking at his photo, as usual,  I  retired  to bed with my wife recalling that we have not seen our dear son Prashanth at home for 365 days.

The First 365 days – My first posting

365 days have passed since our beloved Prashanth parted us, back to the spiritual realm, the homeland of our souls.

Although we will be going to the same place when the time is ripe, for each of us, it is still difficult to go through each day without seeing him and  hearing his wonderful  voice. In fact he was a good singer in his younger days and he could also dance but abruptly put a stop to it.  When I asked him he just shy away. Probably he did not want to reveal all his talents although we know he is multitalented.

His absence makes us feel empty all around. An important link is missing. The thoughts of not  going to have this link again, in our earthly life makes us petrifying. Along with us all other loved ones are also grieving each time they realise the link is missing.

The stock of happiness we were building up for the future has been snatched from us. I had wonderful family and with my daughter-in-law around I was totally elated. She became a perfect fit as an elder sister to my second son Vinod. My wife and I did not want anything more than just happiness. As to me success equals happiness. And now for my family life equals grief. We keep screaming and crying but the sound and tears just keep fading and evaporating simultaneously into the air.  Now, the only hope  for some of us  is in the next realm and  I believe it will be much better than over this side.

I told my wife that after his marriage I will be spending more time with Prashanth sitting and talking while my wife hang around with Tasha shopping. I even said as I age he will be my best friend. My wife on the other hand was craving to see him as paediatrician in a nearby hospital. Seeing her in her present condition makes me feel so miserable. We are parents of the same child but grieving differently in many ways.

My wife and I are pulling through each day by crawling. When we take two steps forward the grief pushes us back and sometimes back to where we were. We have accepted  that we have no other choice but to fulfil the earthly obligations as individual souls. It is totally painful to see my daughter-in-law to be without Prashanth and my son Vinod being without his only elder brother. I am now totally convinced that ‘Hell’ is not on the other side.

Grief is the biggest hidden destructive weapon which I came to know in the last one year. Grief teaches us many things and I can write a book on it, in fact anyone who is grieving can do it.  It is that simple to write a book on grief, if you are grieving. With 365 days of grief you can easily pen 365 pages. You don’t even need an editor. The flow of its contents will be just like the flow of your tears.

Why do we have to go through this grief?  Why this mandatory punishment is administered with small doses of lethal poison daily named ‘grief’ tearing us into pieces while prolonging our life.  I kept asking. What are we learning?  What are the hidden plans working against our own plans?  Why is the mystery?  What other mysteries will pop up and when?  We are told not to fear but these mysteries working behind the scenes are the biggest fear of all. The mysteries themselves are the cause of the fear.

What is the agenda of this mystery? The only answer I got to-date is that, it is all in the plan – your soul plan, a hidden plan of yours which you will know only when you are back to your spiritual home, the home where you were born. You will see vivid pictures of why you were to be in the earth, what you were supposed to do and you did not do.

The books I read over this one year and after pondering why things happen this way, there are glimpses to show why we are here, what we are supposed to do and where we will go with the 20 watts energy when we discard our body. The mind disposes the brain and takes back only the knowledge.

As for me now, apart from going to office, I spend most of the time at home reading books related to after-life and books written by grievers. In the last few months, I have been also working on this website/blog, with my wife beside me. I hardly talked about this website/blog to anyone else until the day was getting closer for the simple reason I was not sure whether I could breathe, until 7th of August 2012.  Every day, in the morning and before going to bed I requested Prashanth  to assist me to have the website done on time. He has helped me.

Currently and in my future, books are going to be my best companion. My wife and I share of what we read.  Books have been our daily doses of “pain killers”, to keep us closing each day while waiting with anxiety for the next grieving day. I realised one thing that, although life is fragile our heart is premeditated to withstand such traumatised pain for a long period.

My wife and I still use to wonder what would have happened to us if not of the books?  Who made me read all these books until today without any break? I still believe it is our son Prashanth, right from the day the first book, ‘Biocentrism’ recommended by my daughter-in-law Tasha which Prashanth has talked about. Behind the scene he is still giving us the push to keep ourselves to be pre-occupied. As such, while we have the little strength clinging with us, we will do what we are supposed to do. I just ask  Prashanth  to guide me daily. When he was young I guided him and now he being a  ‘spiritual doctor’, I will seek guidance from him.

While grieving, my wife and I  also wonder how those over dependent on their loved ones handle this kind of situation especially if they are poor, old, sick, illiterate or unaware of any grief support or if there is no family support.  I believe they need more support than people like us. Grievers are born daily and we all need to assist them with respect what they are going through.

It has been said that to make yourself happy you need to make others happy. Likewise, to cope with our grief we need to assist others who are going through grief.  I wish that through this blog, we could reach many people to share our knowledge and experience and at the same time assist grievers along the way.

As for me I believe my son Prashanth will be with me to do my  little part of what he wanted to do in this earthly realm. With his love and blessings from the other side, I will just move on taking care of my beloved ones until I am called to be with him and gradually and eventually having  united once again in our native land, the spiritual home.